hits

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

greys!

Ask most people what they want out of life and the answer is simple - to be happy. Maybe it's this expectation though of wanting to be happy that just keeps us from ever getting there. Maybe the more we try to will ourselves to state's of bliss, the more confused we get - to the point where we don't recognize ourselves. Instead we just keep smiling - trying to be the happy people we wish we were. Until it eventually hits us, it's been there all along. Not in our dreams or our hopes but in the known, the comfortable, the familiar.








You never know the biggest day of your life is the biggest day. 
Not until it's happening. You don't recognize the biggest day of your life, 
not until you're right in the middle of it. The day you commit to something or someone. 
The day you get your heart broken. The day you meet your soul mate. 
The day you realize there's not enough time, because you wanna live forever. 
Those are the biggest days. The perfect days.

after the pills,




The girl wasn't always quiet,


She used to have a lot to say.
She was never so consumed by silence,
Until the delirium ate it all away.
Now she sits in solitude,
While the anxiety crawls among her brain.
Her peers refuse to acknowledge her,
For they think she's gone insane.
She wishes for an escape,
She never was okay.
She has to end it now.
There was no other way.
Now she's cold and lifeless,
A shade of pale blue.
Something, someone could have saved her,
But no one cared enough to.
Underneath the earth,
Is now where she lays.
All alone in her silence,
She finally flew away.

my friends


you make sense of every struggle i go though 




Tuesday, January 25, 2011

we know your intentions

Fire. I'm not ready for this. Another night well spent on a hit or miss. My calloused sides are turning blue. Hold close to me as I lean to you. A subtle wink and a casual stare. Our hearts both racing we dance on air. To speak or be spoken to? My cheeks are flushed and I'm focused on you. I think I'm falling. I'm falling for you tonight we'll rest with arms at ease. But I'm not falling, not falling for you tonight we'll rest with arms at ease. I'll capture you on shores of gold. Just sit and relax, let it unfold. The pout of your soft lips and the rough graze of fingertips. So angel spread your wings. Sing something soft and comforting. I pray this finds you well. With regard I dare not tell. And all our flaws we'll dare not mention I suppose it was mine and even though I had the best intentions, I suppose it was mine.
But i wont kid myself, i miss it. I miss having something that made my world flawless.. Letting myself fall, so abrupt and agile. And every day, each day i became more and more crazy then i was the last. I dont experience that anymore. I havent in a long time.. I wanna feel that again. It really was comforting..






kat's post to me from facebook:)




" ...I am your [new] boyfriend. I am probably a lot shorter and [not] as sexy. I do not have a hairy body nor can I perform in bed like he does [I do not have an instrument], buttttt, I do sleeep naked, spread eagle and smell floral fresh always. I like long talks lying in a [cat-hair-free] bed (so not my house) and falling asleep to various television series.
 Sooo yaa I hope like hell I can make your days a little brighter."

I love my bestttfriend:) 


up in the sky


Welcome to the best experience of your lifetime

it was where in my mind

A piece from grade 12 writing class


February. 11th 2009
1:30AM
Journal Entry 43

    It is was where in my mind, where everything appears so blurred and the body physically weak. The thoughts as they are, they would come between the dreams as they appeared, during a long sleep.
   When drug induced sleep had played a critical role. Staring t these pages after awakening from a sleep where the dreams inside my mind appeared more distant.
   My thoughts gathering between the labored breathing as it will appear to be in my troubled young mind. The words of horror were in the nightmares, it described such past events that once a mere reflection and almost forgotten in my conscious mind. I guess Freud’s theory was correct, according to the unconscious mind being more powerful than my conscious. Most of my past comes out in these nightmares. The forgotten words from my mother, the faded images of how things use to be, and my childhood.
“How would one being this narrative?” Seems to be the main concern. What would be the proper definitive of this writing piece? Perhaps a written journal entry pieces about such nightmares involving my past horrors. Define this piece as you may.
   I fell asleep around 2:30AM the prior night, thoughts of which arising in the nightmares that frighten my mind, in such a way that I don’t know where to begin.
   In weariness of my thought patterns, which now deteriorate, everything seems useless in my boggled mind. Like a hidden cancer that has grown in the hidden crevices of the mind and has begun the decelerated process of decaying my thoughts
   The nightmares in my mind during sleep when time passes—it still feels as though time is standing still.
   In depths of confusion, where anxiety builds up and soon to be all that remains. I wish I could forget such past memories.
   When I lye in the bed in the frightening darkness   the dreams wearing into the depths of all that I fear. No one can really find words that are really in their mind. Even in the awakening breaths of consciousness. I do not always understand. I sit amongst my tangled mind and thoughts, as they pass through sporadically. Labored breathing is what grows as the creature with the immense wings like a dragon, and the eyes of eagle roams among the winter tethered landscape. Such a creature would only exist in such dreams. It takes me back to a moment of my childhood.
   My childhood bedroom, walls once filled of lilacs, and floor covered in stuffed animals and play toys. When the curtains of lavender are never shut and sun would always be beaming in. Everything had its place in my room. Hanging on the door was a cross-stitched craft my mother had sewn for me. “Happiness lives within these walls,” it said. However in my nightmares, my room didn’t seem this friendly.
   I try and stay awake for as long as I can. Looking out my window I see the sky full of stars, it’s a beautiful night, yes, but the stars cannot shine there brightest—they’re competing to shine through the city’s air pollution. Sinking into slumber now, which means sinking into night terrors, and this is where it all begins.

    I am lying on a hospital bed in all stillness, I cannot move a muscle. The room in which I lay is a small room with many open windows. The cool chill of February air gives me Goosebumps. I smell warm inviting vanilla…that reminds me of my mother. When I was a kid she use to tell me to hold out my wrists, and she would dab a dapple of her vanilla scented perfume on each wrist. She always knew how happy it made me.
* * *
   I am still lying here, motionless and silent. By now I have realized I am lucid dreaming and wait patiently to wake up.
   My half conscious mind is deciphering why this nightmare is so different from all the others—in fact, I wouldn’t even consider it a nightmare at all. Then my stomach aches with the painful discomfort. I feel fingers digging their way through my chest and they’re slowing crushing my organs. The sound of my hear forcing blood through the veins. When my eyes finally push open I see my entire family in front of me …smiling. I am sweating profusely, sweat dripping off my forehead and running down the back of my neck. My mother comes towards me and kisses my cheek. She leaves a perfect lip mark of her $14 M.A.C lipstick smudged across my face. As she steps back I could see her dress covered in blood.. Eyes shutting tightly wishing it all away. I drift into blank. My mind becomes motionless and my breathing slows down.
   Waking up in a cold sweat. My eyes open and everything seems so blurry. My clothing is damp and my body is physically weak. The tangerine sky tells me it is still early morning. I blink a few times and then grab my glasses from the night table. I pull out my journal and begin to write everything. 

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

time alone get me thinking

smile:)





1.It makes you attractive.

2. It changes your mood.

3. It is contagious.

4. It relieves stress.

5. It boosts your immune system.

6. It lowers your blood pressure.

7. It releases endorphins, natural pain killers and serotonin - natural antidepressant.

8. It lifts the face and makes you look younger.

9. It makes you seem successful.

10. It helps you stay positive

beyond what you think

Outside all ideas of right and wrong there is a field. Ill meet you there-


the cafe

On certain still mornings, when the wind blows gently through the tall birch trees and rustles the leaves on the ground, the birds awaken and begin to chirp away. Birchwood city was unlike any other. It wasn’t heavily built up and forests stood tall and were rarely cleared. The people of Birchwood would only take what they needed and it was preferred to build on land that was already flat or re-design old buildings to make way for new businesses.
The café was not very large, but it was a comfortable size in which were packed at least 20 tables and chairs to accompany them. The single door opened inward, a bell happily rang a greeting, and the fresh, crisp scent of a new day filled his nose. Every wall was painted a light yellow with black decorative designs. There was much preparation to be done before the café could open; the chairs needed to be taken off the tops of the round tables and set nicely on the floor, the morning's coffee needed to be brewed, and mum needed to make some of her fresh muffins. He smiled happily and hummed to himself as he mopped the floors, set the chairs down, and cleaned off the granite counter. When everything was done, and only the muffins needed to be made, He took a step back, brushed a piece of curly dark hair from his forehead and smiled widely at his accomplishment. The café was almost ready to open. Pieces of artwork his younger sister had painted hung on the wall, making it seem homey and pleasant. 

Turning 20.

So I've been 20 for three days now. Nothing has changed. Not physically, not emotionally, no new goals or ambitions. Same old same old. I've always felt like age is just a number and maturity and physical aging comes with time and experience. Our daily life brings new challenges which we must face. We deal with our own relationships and learn from them. This is how we age. So forget birthdays. Forget thinking that in ten years I'm going to be thirty. Because when it comes down to it, I've barley lived and I'm just starting out. So for now...Let's forget about the number..and start focusing on the future. 



My story has just begun, still wondering on my part, exploring what’s inside and out. I’ll just whisper it, it will be fun to listen. Maybe I compete in this life’s tragedy and commotion but a love who’s constantly embracing me leaving me no worry but to ease and rest.

him:)



Maybe the more we try and will ourselves to states of bliss, 
the more confused we get. 
To the point where we don't recognize ourselves. 
Instead we just keep smiling, 
trying like hell to be the happy people we wish we were. 
Until eventually it hits us. It's been there all along.
Not in our dreams or hopes but in the known, 
the comfortable,
the familiar.

positive thinking

It's a common belief that positive thinking leads to a happier, healthier life. 
As children, were told to smile and be cheerful and put on a happy face. As adults we're told to look on the bright side. To make lemonade and see glasses as half full. Sometimes reality can get in the way of our ability to act the happy part, though. Your health can fail, boyfriends can cheat. Friends can disappoint. It's in these moments when you just want to get real. To drop the act and be your true, scared, unhappy self.