it was where in my mind

A piece from grade 12 writing class

February. 11^th 2009

1:30AM

Journal Entry 43

    It is was where in my mind, where everything appears so blurred and the body physically weak. The thoughts as they are, they would come between the dreams as they appeared, during a long sleep.

   When drug induced sleep had played a critical role. Staring t these pages after awakening from a sleep where the dreams inside my mind appeared more distant.

   My thoughts gathering between the labored breathing as it will appear to be in my troubled young mind. The words of horror were in the nightmares, it described such past events that once a mere reflection and almost forgotten in my conscious mind. I guess Freud’s theory was correct, according to the unconscious mind being more powerful than my conscious. Most of my past comes out in these nightmares. The forgotten words from my mother, the faded images of how things use to be, and my childhood.

“How would one being this narrative?” Seems to be the main concern. What would be the proper definitive of this writing piece? Perhaps a written journal entry pieces about such nightmares involving my past horrors. Define this piece as you may.

   I fell asleep around 2:30AM the prior night, thoughts of which arising in the nightmares that frighten my mind, in such a way that I don’t know where to begin.

   In weariness of my thought patterns, which now deteriorate, everything seems useless in my boggled mind. Like a hidden cancer that has grown in the hidden crevices of the mind and has begun the decelerated process of decaying my thoughts

   The nightmares in my mind during sleep when time passes—it still feels as though time is standing still.

   In depths of confusion, where anxiety builds up and soon to be all that remains. I wish I could forget such past memories.

   When I lye in the bed in the frightening darkness   the dreams wearing into the depths of all that I fear. No one can really find words that are really in their mind. Even in the awakening breaths of consciousness. I do not always understand. I sit amongst my tangled mind and thoughts, as they pass through sporadically. Labored breathing is what grows as the creature with the immense wings like a dragon, and the eyes of eagle roams among the winter tethered landscape. Such a creature would only exist in such dreams. It takes me back to a moment of my childhood.

   My childhood bedroom, walls once filled of lilacs, and floor covered in stuffed animals and play toys. When the curtains of lavender are never shut and sun would always be beaming in. Everything had its place in my room. Hanging on the door was a cross-stitched craft my mother had sewn for me. “Happiness lives within these walls,” it said. However in my nightmares, my room didn’t seem this friendly.

   I try and stay awake for as long as I can. Looking out my window I see the sky full of stars, it’s a beautiful night, yes, but the stars cannot shine there brightest—they’re competing to shine through the city’s air pollution. Sinking into slumber now, which means sinking into night terrors, and this is where it all begins.

    I am lying on a hospital bed in all stillness, I cannot move a muscle. The room in which I lay is a small room with many open windows. The cool chill of February air gives me Goosebumps. I smell warm inviting vanilla…that reminds me of my mother. When I was a kid she use to tell me to hold out my wrists, and she would dab a dapple of her vanilla scented perfume on each wrist. She always knew how happy it made me.

* * *

   I am still lying here, motionless and silent. By now I have realized I am lucid dreaming and wait patiently to wake up.

   My half conscious mind is deciphering why this nightmare is so different from all the others—in fact, I wouldn’t even consider it a nightmare at all. Then my stomach aches with the painful discomfort. I feel fingers digging their way through my chest and they’re slowing crushing my organs. The sound of my hear forcing blood through the veins. When my eyes finally push open I see my entire family in front of me …smiling. I am sweating profusely, sweat dripping off my forehead and running down the back of my neck. My mother comes towards me and kisses my cheek. She leaves a perfect lip mark of her $14 M.A.C lipstick smudged across my face. As she steps back I could see her dress covered in blood.. Eyes shutting tightly wishing it all away. I drift into blank. My mind becomes motionless and my breathing slows down.

   Waking up in a cold sweat. My eyes open and everything seems so blurry. My clothing is damp and my body is physically weak. The tangerine sky tells me it is still early morning. I blink a few times and then grab my glasses from the night table. I pull out my journal and begin to write everything.